No Witty Titles...Just Sad.

Reagan is about to turn two on the 26th. We are going to have her birthday "party" tomorrow. It wont really be much of a party - it feels more like a refuge.
Yesterday my step mom passed away. I have been hoping for Peace for her for what seems so long, but it has only been - what - a month? Yes, about a month since she was hospitalized then placed in hospice. Time doesn't seem to make any sense right now to be honest. Has it only been a day since she passed?? I guess there is just SO much pain involved that it seems longer. Anyway, Reagans birthday is basically going to be my kiddos and my sister and her kiddos. If daddy can stay awake, he will be there too...but I doubt it.Overnights, is a bitch to work - specially when he leaves at 3:30pm and doesn't get home til after 8am. That's okay though - daddy can have private audience with the princess on her actual big day. So basically, Reagy's party is going to be a quiet time where our kids can get back to the business of being young and carefree, and my sister and I can make arrangements for the upcoming week. The service, my family travelling to Portland, the video slideshow I'm going to put together. I'm not going to lie, I can scarcely wait for the comfort of her company. I have been prone to random, unprovoked thoughts and tears all day. I need someone who understands because she is feeling broken, too.
That being said, when she called today and told me that we should postpone until tomorrow I admit I was relieved. Mainly because my brain felt a bit fried after her passing, and the crying, and the emotion. I still need  my sister here with me, but frankly my house was trashed, I hadn't made the cake or baked the macaroni....I felt like too much needed to be done, and I didnt have it in me to do it. She was having the same kind of day - so it worked out.

When I went to tell the kids that we were postponing until tomorrow, I was folding blankets.
 Mid-fold, I said " Auntie and Nana are coming tomorrow, not today". It took a beat of  knowing "something" wasn't right about that until I realized. Nana isn't coming. Ever.

See, it's always been "Auntie and Nana". Always. My sister's family has always been an extended family - I don't know how to think of one without the other. Auntie and Nana have been there for every single important big, and not so big event in our lives.

Right now I feel panicked and like Erica and I are out there, in the open - exposed and unprotected. Vulnerable. Who is going to take care of us now?? I feel like we are clinging to eachother in the middle of the ocean, waiting to be saved - or to drown.
Most of this probably wont even make sense to anyone. It's just how I feel...and its breaking my heart.

I want to go back to being young, untouched by this pain and while we always counted on each other SO much - we had Edye to count on, too. More than I even realized until now.
 She was our shelter, our safety. She was our example of success as a woman. She was dedicated to her career. An important, amazing job she loved. More than her career she was dedicated to her family. My God did she love us. She shared our joy and pride in every one of our kids accomplishments. She was independent and strong. Kind hearted and loyal.She was proud of her family.She was an amazing role model and stellar human being.She was the one I was always afraid of letting down- and the one who never let me feel like I had. Erica is upset that while she feels the obituary she put together - my God did I just type "obituary"? - is "fine", it  doesn't reflect WHO my step mom was. I Don't think it's possible to find the time in a day to tell anyone who she was. I worry I wont be able to pull it together to find the right words to speak about her at her service next week. Or if I do - I wont be able to KEEP it together to actually speak them. It's okay though, because WE know. Anyone who knew her knows.

She was up at 4am to get ready and catch the boat into Manhattan.She worked all day, never making it home before evening. She was bowling league - or Bocce. She was cruises to Alaska. She was "Coffee with Frannie". She was good NY pizza - or Chinese. She was "Are you hungry? What can I make you?" the minute you showed up at her door.She was colorful - she was outrageous. She was pretty clothes full of glamour and somehow managed to be an endless amount of terry cloth and flip flops and goofy sun hats, too. She was manis and pedis on Saturdays instead of sleeping in. She was coffee and fresh bagels while sitting in our PJs, reading the "gossip papers" on Sundays.She was "Have you read...?" She was "Nana is making you a blanket". She was trips to the Bronx Zoo, and swimming and Peak's Island. She was bags and bags of clothes and toys and books for her grandbabies. She was their playmate - over and over and over again reading the stories or playing with the toys she brought. She was the audience to fashion shows of the wardrobes she brought over for the girls. She was "let's sit and color". She was an endless supply of sharks and dinosaurs when Kaylee was a tomboy and obsessed with such things. She was the same, years later when her grandson Matthew came along and loved the same things. She was the dead end reached by anyone who wanted to hurt any of us in any way. She was never too tired, she was never too bored for her grandkids. She never had an unkind word for them. She was SO proud. She was THAT Nana.

What I wouldn't give for a picture of her, surrounded by us and her grandchildren - and two great grandchildren. Why hadnt we done that?


  I am so sad and hurt that over the past couple of years she had so much of HER stolen from her by the dementia and neurological issues. Because of this, while my "middle" kiddos were able to spend time with her at my sisters house during school breaks, they do not know her like my older kids will remember her as. Even my niece and nephew who always lived with her wont remember her like that. My youngest babies wont ever know her that way.They wont ever see her as I see her. Or long for her voice like I do. My sister hopes to imprint her in their minds by speaking of her often and remembering the times before she was sick. She wants them to really listen when people speak of her.  Maybe then, after hearing it enough, they will remember her that way. Not as sick Nana. I want my older kids to hold onto their memories of the real Nana - keep her alive in their hearts for as long as possible. Hopefully forever.
I want our kids to have their Nana.
I want my Mom.

 I take comfort in knowing that when the time comes and Brittany's health declines - and the end comes, Nana will be there waiting.
 My baby wont be alone because her Nana will be with her to be her shelter.




While the post I published last month after visiting to say goodbye, when we worried she was on death's door, was Sick Nana- This picture is Our Nana. It was taken at my sister's wedding - and right now, I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful.

Edythe J. Childs
September 23, 2011
Portland

Edythe J. Childs, 64, of Portland, Maine passed away September 23, 2011 in Westbrook, Maine.

Edythe was born in Concord, New Hampshire, a daughter of Leighton and Louisa Harrington Childs. She graduated from Pembroke Academy and she was also a graduate of Franklin Pierce College in New Hampshire. Edythe participated in the Volunteers In Service To America program in North Carolina.

Edythe was very proud of her nearly 30 year career at American International Group in New York. During that time she accomplished much professionally and made many endearing friendships, too many to list but all beloved. She retired in 2008 as Director of Human Resources and Payroll, her goal being to spend more time with her family.

Her hobbies included painting, reading, crocheting, and spoiling children and grandchildren.

Edythe is survived by two daughters, Erica B. Sarapas and her husband Matt of Portland, Maine and Angela Laroche of Somersworth, New Hampshire. She is also survived by two brothers, Frank L. Childs of New Boston, New Hampshire and John Childs of Exeter, New Hampshire, two sisters, Frances Charron of Hillsboro, New Hampshire and Maryellen Plante of Pittsfield, New Hampshire, and Aunt MaryJane French and cousin Jack Callahan of Durham, New Hampshire. Most importantly, she is survived by ten grandchildren, all of whom drew a smile from her until her final moments; Matthew and Sophia Sarapas of Portland, Maine, Brittany, Kaylee, Rylie, Emily, Hallie and Jacob Laroche, Reagan and Wyatt Powers and two great grandchildren, Isabella and Aiden Laroche of Somersworth, New Hampshire.

A memorial service will be held 11 A.M., Saturday, October 1, 2011 at the Hobbs Funeral Home, 230 Cottage Road, South Portland, Maine.

She was a magnificent person. My broken heart is so filled with pride to be her daughter.