Happy Holiday.

Having a hard time with you being gone. I cry for at least a part of every day.Sometimes many parts, sometimes a big part. The holidays arent what they are supposed to be. I dont know if its the holidays just making it hurt a bit more, more obviously- or if it's just catching up with me in general.
I feel abandoned. I feel like I didn't realize how big of a part of my day to day life you were. Miss you so much.
I feel like the only person I have to talk to about it is my my sister- and I really don't want to make it about me. Dont want to upset her if she is having a good day. Just want the pain to go away on it's own. Nobody is going to understand. Nobody is going to make it better. Empty, crazy, abandoned and unlovable, feel like Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to lose everything else. Feeling panicked, alone, not worth the effort.