Let's discuss what brought me to the point that I thought I should discuss this horrible subject with you, gentle reader.
Today I approached my bathroom scale a number of times. Each time I had one of the following run through my mind:
- Do I get on NOW? My hair is wet. Water is heavy, right?
- How about NOW? Do I take off my flip flops? Three dollar rubber shoes are probably going to add a lot...right?
- Oooh, How about NOW? Tampon or - ummm...No tampon? Cotton seems heavy...
- Is NOW the right time? Didn't I hear somewhere that you are heavier at during the day?
- Okay - Now...Wait...maybe it was you're heavier at night, that I heard. Damnit.
I am NOT an idiot. I do of course realize that the cotton content of my Tampax Pearl is not going to make a goddamned bit of difference.I am quibbling about mere ounces. Something that wont even show up on my regular old, technology free scale. The point here is this - I have never been this heavy before. I have also never looked so bad - or on a daily basis, cared less. I've had NO social life. I bring kids to school, come home, go to an occasional appointment and spend the rest of my day with my kids. I don't Mani/pedi. I don't wax. I don't have any decent clothes that fit me.It nags at the back of my mind daily, but only roars to the front when I need to "dress" for something. Now, I am at the point that I am talking myself out of weighing myself because of a few scant ounces of rubber-water-cotton - take your pick. I have been in serious denial about what I need to DO to get my ass in gear.
Heaviest weight on record. Nearing the weight of childbirth.
Unhealthy lifestyle - my diet sucks.
Breathless when I get to my bedroom, on the third floor.
Clothes do not fit.
FAT clothes do NOT fit.
I HAVE decent cheekbones ... yet cannot find them.
I was plagued by high blood pressure and diabetes during my last pregnancies.
Activity level? WHAT activity level?
I was sort of hoping "outing" myself was going to hold me accountable. Upon rolling that concept over in my mind, I realized that my "I don't give a shit what you think" attitude was going to sabotage me. It's not bravado - I really don't care. I lived far too long with someone who not only made my decisions for me and chastised me, sometimes physically for having an opinion in general, that I've really broke out of that problem with the divorce. Maybe too much. So, basically Im hoping the facts that my thighs rub together like sardines in a can, I am unhealthy and would like to live a long, long time and that I don't have any clothes that fit me get me motivated at this point. I'm hoping to post whatever progress I make fairly regularly. Don't expect miracles, people. I dislike exercise. I know, I know - it's not cool to say so. I'm honest, okay? I also like carbs. A LOT. So - rather than post a bunch of goals here, let's just write :
Going to try to get into better, healthier shape by fall.
Fingers crossed - we'll see.