As it turns out, sometimes just because you "talk about" or live with an issue a lot, it doesn't necessarily mean you have accepted it. Sometimes it just means you have become indifferent to the subject matter... or maybe that's not quite what I am looking for. Sometimes you have just become so used to YOU talking about it, that it is almost surreal, I guess. If that makes any sense.
Sometimes all that it takes to bring reality back into focus, is someone else saying the same thing you have said a million times. Witnessing your own words in another's voice. It's a different experience to hear someone else say things that deep down you know to be true...but apparently haven't accepted as reality.
Today, Zac and I made a trip to Logan Airport in Boston to pick up his mom and little brother, arriving from Florida. They are coming to visit for the better part of a week. His mom came up to meet Reagan ( and me ) and see Zac last summer, but his brother did not. So this year they both came and got to meet Wyatt, too =) Anyway, we stopped for lunch and while we were eating, his mama asked us if we had selected a date for our wedding yet. We just recently officially decided to get hitched - and rather than waiting, we decided to do it this fall. Like specifically in the next two months. We have not, however chosen a date. Or done anything else to further the wedding preparations, to be honest.
So, Zac replies :
"No, no date yet. Soon though, Ang wants to do it while Brit is still healthy enough to be a part of it and really participate."
I smiled what felt like kind of a quirky, half-assed smile.
Then, while he stared at me from across the table, I realized I had tears coming. Tears I had no hope of stopping, and that did at last flow from one corner of one eye while I looked back at him and said "What?"- like I didn't know why he was looking at me with what appeared to be a mix of some sort of pain and pity.
I think I said it again and he just shook his head a little, kind of sad-like.
Why was I saying that? Challenging him to say that the tears I was busy pretending were invisible or non existent, were really not there? I was actually thinking "What? I didn't know Brit was sick? That she was going to get bad...really bad? Maybe I wasn't aware she wasn't going to magically heal herself??"
I sat for about another 30 seconds in silence - debating if the tears were going to stop, then I got up and quickly walked to the bathroom where I cried for literally just a minute, walked back out and sat down, looked him in the eye, and said it again.
He shook his head again, just a very tiny bit, and never broke eye contact.
Then he said "I love you",very quietly.
He does that. Just says the right thing.The one and only thing there IS to say. He just knows. Almost every single time I really need him to. And he means it.
A few people we know have remarked on how quickly we intend to get married. So quickly that we will literally have no budget for our wedding. This fact sucks. Because he has never had a wedding, and deserves one. I have had a wedding and deserved a better person to marry than the one I got the first time around. The people that have made comments weren't doing so in a nasty manner. Just a little "Whats the hurry!?" or "If you get married next year, you will have a little to spend on it" or something similar. This includes Zac. He has, on more than one occasion mentioned to me that we could have "more" if we planned it a little further out.Not even a year away - just give ourselves a couple extra months. He does agree that the ultimate goal is to make our family official - the goal is to BE husband and wife, not to" have a wedding". In that spirit, he has also suggested simply going to City Hall and gettin' our matrimony on. Ultimately, we are doing something SO much bigger than joining two people together. We are promising each other and all ten children that we are here for the long haul. No matter what happens, we will be here, joined together - all of us,after any and all tragedy- ready to pick up the pieces and go on. We are all joining together, not just Zac and I.
Lately, I have been thinking I'm cheating him and myself, truth be told - out of a memorable ceremony. One that his mom and brother and sister can attend. And I admit, ultimately I am being selfish in rushing it, over all of the things I just listed as reasons not to.
But I'm not "in a hurry" because I'm trying to hold onto a man. Or trap him into being mine forever before he smartens up. Or because I'm afraid he will run away if we don't just hurry up and do it. I'm not in a hurry to "have a wedding".
I'm in a hurry because I am afraid of a whole bunch of different fears that most of you wont ever have to face.And I'm glad.
In a year I don't know what condition my daughter will be in. I don't know if she will still be trucking along, "healthy-ish" - or this most recently acquired version of health anyway. I don't know if she will be able to still feed herself, or walk unassisted, or if a machine will be breathing for her.
Beyond all of that, I don't know if there is going to be enough of her mind left to know what amazing, special and love based thing we are doing.
I don't know for sure she will still be here at all.
I think because of all that , I am trying to give her something with this wedding, too.
I am trying to share with her what love can be. She is not ever going to get married. She is never going to see her daughter or son get married. She is not going to look into the face of someone she cannot - does not want to live without every day, or grow old with him.She wont ever feel the stiffness of a wedding dress, the awkwardness of a veil, the ring being slipped on her finger. The only weddings she has even been to were the three she was a flower girl in when she was a child.
I want her to be a part of what we have - have her be there when it comes full circle.I want her to see and be a part of the reward of all of the pain and suffering we, as a family, have ever been through. And there has been a lot. There is not one person in my family that is not better off because of having Zac in their life, and they all know and would admit as such.
I am being selfish...I don't want to get married without all of my children there. They deserve this so much. I just can't not have Brit here....present.... in every sense of the word, on the day we all celebrate the best thing that's ever happened to us.
What Zac and I live every single day is beautiful. Trust, understanding, confidence in each other and ourselves, knowing that no matter what gets thrown at us, it's going to be "ok" - we have each other. It is a team and a partnership. It's a quiet comfort in silence. It's celebrating loudly all of our families accomplishments. It is sharing the joy, but also sharing the burden. It is knowing he is the other half of me. That I am whole because of what we have together.
It's not having an answer for an impossible question - but somehow offering the right one...and meaning it.
It's a quiet "I love you" when nothing is going to make the hurt go away.