Sunday, July 17, 2011

Owen's Closet

In case anyone who knows me has begun to question my lack of cynicism and angry ranting ( ok I still rant - but I've cut back significantly! ) over the past few months, I want to acknowledge and confirm this change of heart I've had. It's true, you haven't been imagining things. I have actually had enough "Peace" in my heart - or as I like to call it, Perspective, to truly appreciate what I have.
Let's dissect this a bit and see if we can't come to some sort of understanding about my recently acquired ability to control my tongue. Well, let's "forget" about that little "Kick the mom in the taco" comment I had last night on Facebook. Watching my daughter broken hearted over one of her best friends being mistreated at home pretty much gives me a pass.

(Incidentally, just so the "Incubator" is aware, I wouldn't hesitate to report the kind of behavior you exhibit and allow to happen to your child at home - if she weren't already 18.Consider yourself long as you keep your taco far, far, FAR away from my kickers.)
Anyway,some things have happened here recently that have basically changed my DNA. I mean that's the only thing I can come up with as a physical explanation to my attitude adjustment. Anyone that knows me, knows that I was to some extreme, rotten to the core until recently. It would TAKE a dna change the way I interact with others. Right?

Maybe. Maybe not. In reality, what happened is far less genetically magical - but pretty miraculous nonetheless. In reality, Im making light of something that very deeply effected me.The link below tells only part of the story. There was actually a lot more to the story, but this is what I felt comfortable sharing on the website. The result of what I experienced has inspired me to be a kinder gentler person. Oh, I was always a softie ( There Herbert, I put it out there so you didn't have to! ). Tragic, sad or upsetting stories involving kids, old people and furry creatures have always made me cry. But if you've known me in the past few years I don't have to tell you I have been...and to a certain degree, still am....a bit of a raging bitch. ( There, put THAT out there, too Herb! )
Funny story - I have a feeling, although I never asked him, that part of what attracted Zachary to me in the very begining MAY have been that I was a mean nasty bitch. I've noticed some men are like that for some reason. Either way - it worked in my favor. When I was largely pregnant with Reagan we took all of the kids, plus a neighbor's child and Zac's younger brother to York's Wild Animal Kingdom. While there, I went on the ferris wheel with Zac. Not sure if you are aware of this, but I have a teeeeeeeensy tiny fear of heights. A fear, that has apparently doubled every year since birth because while on the ferris wheel I gripped Zac's arm and  involuntarily squeezed the bejesus out of him. I also had a mini panic attack, got dizzy, sick and could not control the level of fear I was feeling. Especially when he chuckled and rocked the car while stuck at the tippy top.Mind you, I had the upper hand in the relationship entirely right up until this incredibly terrifying, stupid moment. As the attendant was unhooking our safety bar and we were ready to dismount, Zachary leaned over and I was sort of expecting a kiss on the cheek. Instead he pressed his lips to my ear and whispered "You know, I'm not afraid of you anymore".

Anytime I get mouthy and far too cocky to this day, he threatens to lash me to a ferris wheel.
Funny story indeed.

So - while Zac has a great deal to do with my domestication - disregarding that last anecdote, of course - because I've been incredibly happy, content and at peace with my relationship. ( Yes, I know it IS disgusting that I only have two problems in my life : lack of wealth and my daughter is not healthy ) Being truly, incredibly, genuinely happy has done MUCH for my attitude. I've felt fewer and fewer reasons to hide behind an angry mean exterior  in order to protect myself. I've almost forgotten how to be venomous. I think all of this has happened on it's own timeline. I wasn't ready for any of this "good stuff" before it was plopped into my lap. I really wasn't. Too many hang ups, too much pride, too little self worth. I had things to work through and experience for being ready for the real thing. Anyway, as I have a tendency to do, I've veered off topic a bit. My change of attitude comes from being with my soul mate and finding some Peace. But it also comes from some other things I've experienced in the past few years - and most monumentally in the past two. Becoming a new mom again has done much for healing my soul. My GOD I love that girl. Apple of my freakin' eye.
then there is this little bugger
While I am not by any means saying I ever DIDN'T love my kids - all of them...I was tired and overwhelmed with doing it all on my own.Somehow having Reagan and Wyatt with Zac has allowed me to reconnect with what exactly I love about being a mom. This time around I got to share the entire thing,right from the moment I got knocked up, with an amazing partner who wanted to be here and experience every milestone. It's a completely different experience. My oldest 6 were born into a crappy relationship and were literally the only things that kept me sane or gave me happiness. I did it on my own and didn't know any other way. Now I've had Reagan and Wyatt WITH Zac and my older kids. I love watching the kids play with the babies and be amazed and amused by every little thing they do - just like I am.  So...Zac, babies and older kids...the first collective key to my change in attitude.

The second thing  the back story to what is contained in the page linked below. Like I said, there is a lot more story involved - but this is what I'm sharing...for now. Go look.

Owen's Closet
(and please feel free to pimp it out, we can use all the help we can get with this to help the maximum amount of people!)

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